Permissive Parenting Uncovered: Nurturing Freedom or Missing Boundaries?

Permissive parenting is both somewhat of a controversial approach and at the same time it is quite intriguing to some parents.

Permissive parents are often known for their laid back attitude towards discipline and rules. They tend to be less strict and will avoid conflict at all costs.

So instead of being an authority figure to their kids they behave more like of a friend to them. 

If you are this type of parent, you are likely going to be recognized for your warm and nurturing approach to parenting.

You prioritize your child’s needs over setting rules and boundaries, struggling to provide the necessary guidance so your child will thrive in the long run.

permissiveparentsA couple holding each other and their baby.

Characteristics of Permissive Parenting

Like any other parenting style discussed here, permissive parenting does have its own set of characteristics.

1.  Lack of Structure: Permissive parents have a relaxed approach to discipline and structure. Allowing their kids to do whatever they want.

They do not apply consistent rules or routines. For this reason there is little stability and predictability in the home. 

2.  Avoid Conflict: They will avoid conflict at any cost, or any sort of confrontation for that matter. They prefer to maintain a peaceful relationship with their child. 

Rather than upsetting the child, a permissive parent will downplay the behaviour in hopes of avoiding a tantrum and yes, making the child angry.

3.  Highly Responsive, Low Expectations: Permissive parents are very responsive to their child’s need’s and desires, prioritizing their emotional well-being and happiness.

At the same time they have low expectations, such as with the rules or what is expected of the child’s behaviour.

boypullingearsYoung boy pinching his ears and sticking out his tongue.

4.  Few Limits or Boundaries: Permissive parents are lenient and indulgent with their children, rarely imposing consequences or enforcing rules.

They may avoid setting boundaries or limits on their children's behaviour, fearing that it may stifle their independence or creativity.

5.  High Emotional Support: Permissive parenting is typically emotionally nurturing and supportive.

They do provide a loving and safe environment for their children to grow up in as well as a place where they can express themselves freely and seek comfort and reassurance.

6.  Overindulgence: They quickly give in to their child’s wishes, offering them material possessions, opportunities, or leniency, often in an attempt to win their affection or approval.

Resulting in children who are demanding, entitled or lacking in self-discipline.

7.  Friendship Approach: Permissive parents want nothing more than to be the child’s friend rather than an authority figure.

While they may become close using this approach, boundaries become blurred and confusion sets in about their roles and expectations.

Pros of Permissive Parenting Style

kidexploringMom's legs are dangling over the end of a docked boat while she is holding her toddlers hand and along with their dog they are all looking at something out in the lake.

Permissive parenting is not all bad. It does have its benefits.

  • One of the most beneficial concepts is that it can encourage creativity. There are fewer restrictions and rules, giving a child the freedom to express themselves, experiment and explore. 

This leads to imaginative thinking and independent problem-solving. Children in a permissive parenting family will grow up with the comfort of knowing that they can express their thoughts, feelings and opinions. 

Permissive parents encourage their children not avoid their emotions, instead they allow them to be open and honest about their feelings. This is very helpful as children learn to understand and manage their emotions quite effectively. 

Another big advantage is the likelihood of a strong parent-child bond. Permissive parenting is usually very caring and loving, they promote close and warm relationships with their children. 

This loving and caring environment will provide the child with a strong sense of self-esteem and even security. This can be very important for the child’s psychological and emotional development. 

It’s important to remember however, that even though these benefits may not exactly be essential for the child, “Too much of a good thing” may not always be so good.

For example, if a child has a naturally responsible and mature temperament they may very well thrive in a permissive environment, whereas a more compulsive child may struggle without clear boundaries and rules.

Cons of the Permissive Parenting Style

Wherever there is a Pro there is almost always a Con, so let’s take a look shall we. 

Challenge #1.  For the parent boundaries are difficult to set. Parents following a permissive parenting style usually have a hard time enforcing rules and boundries. This can lead to anxiety and confusion in the children.

When kids don't have clear boundries set out for them, they may feel insecure. This is the point at which they could push the limits to test how you will react.

Challenge #2. With permissive parenting the parent lets their kids do whatever they want leading the child to develop demands and dependencies from their parent. 

Ie. When parents do whatever their child wants them to do and saying “no” to them is rarely uttered, the child develops a sense of entitlement.

They'll probably grow up expecting to have all of their desires met and not have to do much of anything for it.

This can cause difficulties in their relationships and in navigating the real world, where their needs and desires are not always a priority.

Challenge #3.  Permissive parenting may mess up a child's development of some of their most important skills. 

For example, if the child has a problem, parents are always solving those problems for them. They also do all the things the child does not want to do, like cleaning up after themselves. 

Challenge #4.  Permissive parents experience guilt and self-doubt because they are not providing the necessary structure or guidance to their children.

In essence, they will lack all the essential skills for their child's growth. Ie. problem-solving, a sense of responsibility and resilience.

sadmomTeen girl sitting on dock, forehead touching knees. Sun is setting.

A Balanced Approach

So how do permissive parents find a balance and avoid the pitfalls of this style of parenting

It can be challenging, but it is certainly achievable simply by using some thoughtful strategies. Here are some tips for permissive parents wanting to find that balance.

1.  Set a few boundrie's for your child's behaviour - do this by making sure to be firm, loving, and consistent.

Offer structure and routine to your child's daily lives so that they may feel a sense of stability, such as having consistent, bedtimes, meals, chores. 

This will reduce feelings of uncertainty and help children understand what is expected of them.

2.  Encourage kids to take responsibility for their own actions and decisions. Allow them to experience both positive and negative consequences.

3.  Seek Support and Guidance.  It's okay to reach out to other parents, maybe even join a parenting support group or look into the advice of a therapist or counselor. Just know that your not alone in this journey.

If you realize you are a permissive parent and want a little change, implement some of these strategies.

Find that healthy balance between nurturing your child's independence and providing the guidance and structure they need to thrive. It's about finding what works for you the parent and your child.

Remember, this one can be hard to swallow, but “It's not about being their friend, it's about being their parent.”