What is Co parenting - A Technique for the Divorced
You’re in the process of getting a divorce and what concerns you the most is your kids well-being. What is co parenting all about? Let's take a look.
The most damaging thing for the kids is the conflict that occurs between you and your spouse.
Having two involved parents is the most healthy thing for your kids, you get along with your spouse but just can no longer live together.
Thinking of the kids, you decide that co parenting is what will be best for your children.
What is Co parenting
Co parenting is essentially divorced or separated parents continuing to raise their kids together even after their divorced.
Instead of taking each other to court to gain custody of their children, the parents would rather work together to figure out what is best for the child.
This can include the child having equal time with each parent and equal rights and decision making.
The idea of co parenting is that the parents work together to create an environment in two separate homes and in two separate lives.
This approach may be slightly different for different parents, the most important thing is to work out what’s best for the kid’s and move on.
Research tells us that in most cases where children with parents who co-parent following a separation may grow up just as well as children with parents who have successful marriages.
In fact, the kids may fare a little better on both of the following areas, they are more likely to be successful in their careers and they have a lower divorce rate themselves as adults.
It is a term that’s also meant for two people who share a child together, but are no longer romantically involved.
Or maybe they were never even really affectionately involved and only have a child because of a one night encounter.
Why does the Co-parent Relationship have such a Big Impact on Children?
Rather than stewing over how rotten their lives could be, children learn to create new good lives.
When kids see their parents valuing and respecting each other, they will learn social maturity and have higher self-esteem. The child will have much better relationships with both parents.
Parents who co-parent will have smoother lives with less tension, less conflict, fewer problems and more time to focus on more fun with their children.
Co parenting, is not about which place is better to live in or about the parents competing against one another, it’s about the parents working together and doing what’s best for the children.
How to be a Good & Fair Co-parent
Forget about the ”co”, just become a good parent.
Improving your parenting skills is probably the best thing that you can do to establish a better co-parent relationship with your ex and with your kids.
What is Co Parenting - It's About Agreeing on Rules and Boundaries
Try and agree between the two of you, what is best for the child, what rules you are going to stick to and follow.
What boundaries you are going to set, and if you can agree on these things then you’re most of the way there.
The worst thing is when you are not in agreement with the rules because then the child is going to get mixed messages.
Eg. “Well mommy said I can do this but with daddy I can’t or with daddy he let’s me but mommy says no.” Trying to score points against each other, trying to be the favorite, doesn’t work, it only causes confusion and insecurity in the child.
What is Co Parenting? It is About Practicing Peace of Mind
Give them attention, reassure them that you are there for them. It doesn’t mean that you have to be glued to your child.
It means that if they are in need of a little extra attention and a little extra focus, one-to-one time can really help.
Let them know that they are valued, let them know that you’re right there and you’re not going anywhere. Don’t just say it, show it to them.
What is Co Parenting - It's When Both Parents Agree to the Same Routine
Especially around bedtime, maybe the kid’s have a bath at 7:00, brush their teeth, get into bed, read them a bedtime story, lights out by 8:00.
If that’s the routine in one home, it needs to be the same with the other parent. Similar to when they get up for breakfast in the morning.
It’s not good for a child if one of the parents allow the child to stay up and watch TV till 9:00. It’s not good for their well-being or behaviour. Give them a sense of stability instead.
Don’t Overcompensate Due to Guilt
Just because you’re probably having feelings of guilt thinking, “Have I done wrong by my child.”
“My poor child is suffering as a consequence or of not being able to be together with both parents anymore.”
Do not project your feelings of guilt onto the way you parent your child, by overcompensating, over mollycoddling and letting things go that you wouldn’t normally.
Yes, do give extra cuddles and have extra one-on-one focused time with your child as a positive, not as a reactive thing.
What is Co Parenting - It's Keeping your Focus on the Kids
One of the best things you can do in a co-parenting relationship is to get yourself out of the equation so it’s not about you.
How you feel is only secondary, really what you should be focused on is the kids and their experience and how all of this impacts them.
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