What is Parallel Parenting: A Technique for Divorced Couples

When sharing custody of a child, you have 2 options to consider, co-parenting or parallel parenting? Which method you choose will depend on your unique situation.

If you have maintained a decent relationship with the other parent, a co-parenting option may be best for you. 

Co-parenting usually involves a lot of communication, a lot of teamwork and a lot of flexibility.

Both parents are essentially working together to parent the child, however if tensions between you and the other parent are high then a parallel parenting method may be better.

In this article I will explore the concept of what is parallel parenting, its core principles, advantages and how it differs from traditional co parenting methods.

What is Parallel Parenting?

What is parallel parenting? I'd heard of it, never gave it much thought though. Should have paid more attention, it would have likely helped out my best friend, she may have saved thousands in court costs. (I'll fill you in on that story below).

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Parallel parenting often includes almost no communication between the two parents, which means that there is going to be a really strict schedule.

The goal of this strict schedule is to limit communication, which hopefully should minimize conflicts and arguments. 

So instead of frequent interactions and joint decision making like in co parenting, parallel parenting focuses on minimal contact and setting clear boundaries between parents. 

The primary aim is to reduce conflicts and provide a stable environment for children by minimizing direct parental involvement.

Principles of Parallel Parenting

Limited Communication: In contrast to co parenting, which emphasizes and requires ongoing communication between parents, parallel parenting suggests keeping contact to a minimum.

The focus is on sharing only essential details about the children's welfare, such as schedules and health matters, usually communicated through written forms like emails or text messages.

Established Boundaries: Clear boundaries are set explaining each parent's roles and decision making authority.

This approach aims to prevent conflicts over parenting decisions and allows each parent to have independence within their own households.

Equal Involvement: In parallel parenting, each parent manages their time with their children.

This means there is little to no interference or involvement in the other parent's parenting methods, routines or activities during their time spent together.  

Focus on the Children: Despite limited direct interaction between parents, the primary focus remains on ensuring the well being of the children.

Both parents are expected to prioritize their children's needs and uphold consistent parenting practices across both households. 

Benefits of Parallel Parenting

Reduces Conflict: By reducing face to face interactions between parents, less conflicts arise from their parenting styles, values and past relationship issues. 

Empowers Parents: Parallel parenting gives parents the power to make decisions independently within their own homes.

This can help reduce feelings of resentment or power struggles that may arise in co parenting relationships.

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Protects Children: By protecting children from their parents conflicts, parallel parenting aims to defend the child’s emotional well being and promoting positive development.

Children are less likely to feel stuck in the middle or torn between their parents.

Supports Stability: Parallel parenting offers a sense of consistency for kids by establishing clear routines and expectations in each home.

This routine can help children in accepting the changes that come with separation or divorce.

The following lists are a comparison of the 2 single parenting styles. For more info, see the detailed description below. 

Co-parenting                        

  • Low to moderate conflict
  • Direct and open communication high flexibility
  • Joint decision making
  • Collaborative involvement

Parallel parenting

  • High conflict
  • Minimal communication
  • Low flexibility
  • Mostly independent decision making
  • Separate and independent involvement

Parallel Parenting vs. Co-Parenting:

While both parallel parenting and co parenting support the best interests of the children, they each have very different approaches especially for the cooperation of the parents.

Communication: Co parenting emphasizes open communication and cooperation between parents, while parallel parenting limits communication to necessary matters to avoid conflicts.

Decision Making: In co parenting, significant decisions concerning the children are typically made jointly by both parents, whereas in parallel parenting, each parent has the freedom to make decisions within their own household.

Parental Interaction: Co parenting involves regular interaction between parents, like attending events together or sharing in celebrations, while parallel parenting focuses on minimizing direct contact to avoid conflicts.

Flexibility: Co parenting often demands flexibility and agreeing from both parents to adjust to each other's schedules and preferences, whereas parallel parenting emphasizes individual freedom and keeping routines consistent.

Is Parallel Parenting the Right Choice for You?

Parallel parenting can serve as an effective approach for families facing high conflict or strained relationships, but it may not be suitable for everyone.

When deciding if parallel parenting suits your family, consider the following factors:

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Conflict Level: If communication between parents remains consistently hostile, parallel parenting could offer a more manageable alternative compared to co parenting.

Children's Needs: How well are your children handling the separation or divorce, would they benefit from less exposure to parental conflicts.

Parenting Styles: Consider your parenting style and decide if you can maintain stability and consistency for your children.

Willingness to Cooperate: Although parallel parenting reduces the need for direct co-operation between parents, it’s still necessary to put the children's well-being first and following established boundaries.

In conclusion:

Parallel parenting presents a practical option for families dealing with intense conflicts or strained relationshipsBy focusing on minimal communication, clear boundaries and independent involvement, this approach aims to decrease disputes and promote consistency for children following a separation or divorce.

While it may not suit every family, parallel parenting offers a structured approach to co parenting in difficult situations, ultimately prioritizing the well being of the children.

An Example:

My best friend was divorced. She could have saved thousands in court fees had either of us known about parallel parenting. 

I knew about co-parenting but it was not something I would have recommended for them. First, they lived like 400 miles away from each other, second, they hated each other with a passion. 

They had 3 kids together, every other weekend he had a visit with them. Because he lived so far away, they would meet half way with the kids. 

When they arrived, the kids would get out and go to his car. In the meantime if there was something they needed to discuss about the kids, it was never a discussion, it seemed that they only knew how to argue. 

He would buy the kids things she couldn’t or didn’t believe they were old enough to have. Like iPhones or X-boxes. Of course, she was worried that the kids would like him better. 

They went back to court several times, costing thousands for lawyers etc. It was a crazy mess to say the lest. Parallel parenting could have been mentioned to them, but they couldn’t make that work either. Who knows!

The kids are now adults and have made their own choices.